Fanfiction
GILLIGAN'S ISLAND
November 17, 2022
GILLIGAN’S ISLAND
“Golden Girl’s Parachute to Paradise”
by
Mark Beachy
TEASER
FADE IN:
1.INT – PLANE – DAY
MEDIUM SHOT – SOPHIA
We see Blanche, Rose, and Dorothy surrounding Sophia singing “Happy Birthday.” They are all wearing parachutes.
DOROTHY
Ma, I really wish you would reconsider jumping out of a plane for your 100th birthday.
BLANCHE
Yes, honey. Parachuting is dangerous!
SOPHIA
Oh, please! Blanche, you are the one who invented the mile high club! The last time we were in a plane, you distracted the pilot so much that we nearly flew into Space Mountain. Now, THAT is what I call dangerous.
ROSE
Sophia, Blanche is right. Parachuting out of a plane IS dangerous. It’s like something that happened back in St. Olaf.
DOROTHY
Oh, Rose, stop! Rose, why is it when any one of us makes an observation, the first thing we hear from you is back in St. Olaf. Did it ever occur to you that we might be sick and tired of hearing, back in St. Olaf, back in St. Olaf, back in St. Olaf!?
ROSE
Gee, no, I never realized. I’m sorry.
DOROTHY
Oh, that’s OK.
ROSE
Back in that town whose name you’re tired of hearing..
DOROTHY
Rose!
SOPHIA
Look, what’s the worst that can happen? I’m 100 years old. It’s not like Burt Reynold’s is going to be proposing to me anytime soon.
DOROTHY
Ma, you’re right!
BLANCHE
But why do we all have to parachute together? Men would miss me if I were to die in a parachuting accident. But then again, think of all the handsome, rich men that would be at my funeral.
ROSE
Enough! This is Sophia’s 100th birthday! If she is going to parachute, we are all going to do this together.
They all look at each other in agreement. Dorothy hands Sophia a birthday card.
DOROTHY
This card is from all of us.
SOPHIA
(reading the card) “Happy Birthday. Thank you for being a friend.” Oh, I love you, all!
They all have a group hug.
BLANCHE
Quick, let’s jump before I change my mind!
ALL
1, 2, 3!
They all jump out of the plane. All the parachutes release safely.
DOROTHY
Happy Birthday, ma!
SOPHIA
Thank you, pussycat!
A big gust of wind begins to blow them off course.
BLANCHE
Oh, no, what’s happening?
SOPHIA
We’re all gonna die!
They all scream! The wind blows them over Gilligan’s Island where they get their parachutes stuck in palm trees. All of them are crying for help.
FADE OUT
ACT ONE
FADE IN: EXT – FOREST – DAY
2. CLOSE SHOT – GILLIGAN
We see Gilligan on a ladder gathering coconuts. We hear the Golden Girls cry for help. Gilligan thinks the coconuts are talking to him.
GILLIGAN
Hello? (He shakes the coconut.)
Gilligan hears more screams.
Ok! Ok! I won’t shake you!
Gilligan hears more screams.
Skipper! Skipper! The coconuts are talking! The coconuts are talking!
SKIPPER
Gilligan! What’s the problem, little buddy?
GILLIGAN
I was gathering up coconuts and then the coconuts started screaming at me! And so…
SKIPPER
Slow down, little buddy. (picking up a coconut) For a moment there I thought you said the coconuts were screaming at you.
We hear the Golden Girls scream once more for help. Frightened, the Skipper throws the coconut into the air. Gilligan catches it and throws it back to Skipper like a hot potato.
DOROTHY
Just great! I finally found an idiot like Rose.
BLANCHE
Hello, down there!
ROSE
Look up! Look up!
Sophia throws a coconut right at Gilligan’s head. Gilligan gets knocked out and falls down with the ladder. They both finally look up.
GILLIGAN
Look Skipper! There’s one, two, three, four women stuck in the tree!
SKIPPER
(whacking Gilligan over the head with his cap) I can see that Gilligan! I can count.
The Golden Girls beg for them to help them down from the palm trees.
SKIPPER (continued)
Don’t worry ladies! We’ll get you down! (to Gilligan) Get the ladder! Get the ladder!
Gilligan places the ladder on the palm tree and helps each Golden Girl down, one by one.
FLIP TO: EXT – DINING ROOM TABLE – DAY
All the Golden Girls and Castaways are seated at the table for a birthday party for Sophia.
GINGER
(singing in the style of Marilyn Monroe to JFK) Happy Birthday to you.
All clap.
MR HOWELL
A toast to our new friend, Sophia on her 100th birthday!
All raise their coconut cups filled with water.
MR HOWELL (continued)
May you live another 100 years! To Sophia!
ALL
To Sophia!
SOPHIA
Please! Another 100 years and I’ll need dentures for my dentures!
Gilligan turns on the radio and we hear upbeat music. They all begin to dance.
BLANCHE
(tapping Mr Howell on the shoulder) May I have this dance?
MRS HOWELL
(cutting in) Not for a hundred million dollars!
MR HOWELL
Lovey, don’t say such a thing! I’ll take a hundred million dollars any day!
Over the radio we hear…
RADIO ANNOUNCER
We interrupt this program to bring you this special report.
PROFESSOR
Quiet, everybody! Quiet!
RADIO ANNOUNCER
Earlier today a plane carrying four women disappeared while parachuting over the Pacific when a big gust of wind carried them off course. Their exact location is unknown. However, the coast guard plans to track the GPS signal of their cell phones, beginning tomorrow morning when a search rescue plane will be sent out over the Pacific.
The Professor turns off the radio.
PROFESSOR (continued)
We’re going to be rescued! Thanks to the GPS signals from the cell phones of these fine ladies!
MR HOWELL
Three cheers for our new friends! Hip-hip-
ALL
Hooray!
MR HOWELL
Hip-hip-
ALL
Hooray!
MR HOWELL
Hip-hip-
ALL
Hooray!
FLIP TO: EXT – GARDEN – DAY
MEDIUM SHOT – GILLIGAN
Gilligan, Mary Ann, and Rose are gathering up vegetables in the garden.
GILLIGAN
(to Rose) Boy, it sure is nice of you to want to make a dish for tonight’s dinner.
ROSE
It’s the least I can do after you rescued us from the palm tree.
MARY ANN
Rose, what can we do to help?
ROSE
I want you to help me make my famous fish filets with chopped black truffles. It is a St. Olaf favorite!
GILLIGAN
Oh yeh! I’ll go get us some truffles!
MARY ANN
Truffles?
ROSE
Don’t you know what a truffle is?
MARY ANN
No. We never grew any in Kansas.
ROSE
Truffles are like mushrooms, except they are grown underground.
MARY ANN
Gilligan, you better go find the truffles while I go fishing.
GILLIGAN
You can count on me, Mary Ann! (He steps on a garden bow rake and it hits him in the face)
FLIP TO: EXT – FOREST – DAY
Gilligan is searching for truffles but isn’t quite sure what they look like.
GILLIGAN
(talking to himself) Where to find truffles. Hmmm. Rose said, “Truffles are like mushrooms, except they are grown on the ground.” Or did Rose say, “Mushrooms are like truffles, except they are grown underground?”
Gilligan pulls back a large leaf. He sees what he thinks are truffles, but they are psychedelic mushrooms.
GILLIGAN (continued)
(talking to himself) Rose said, “Truffles are like mushrooms, except they are grown ON the ground.” This is it! I found the truffles! We are all gonna eat Rose’s famous fish filets with chopped black truffles! (clapping his hands) Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
FADE OUT:
“To Be Continued” appears on the screen.
ANNOUNCER
In our next episode of “Gilligan’s Island…”
PROFESSOR
I’m afraid you all have hallucinogenic mushroom poisoning.
DOROTHY
Professor, how did this happen?
PROFESSOR
There are two main toxidromes associated with hallucinogenic mushroom poisoning, which are related to the responsible toxin: the psilocybin toxidrome and the muscimol/ibotenic acid toxidrome.
DOROTHY
Would you mind repeating that?
PROFESSOR
Not at all.
ANNOUNCER
All this and more in our next episode of “Gilligan’s Island…”
Synopsis
The Golden Girls meet the castaways on Gilligan's Island in this hilarious fusion of two of television's greatest hits! For Sophia's 100th birthday, she decides to parachute with her daughter, Dorothy, and two best friends Rose and Blanche. While jumping out of the plane, a heavy wind takes them off course and they land on Gilligan's Island, where their true adventure begins.